


Forgive me Father for I am Sin - Castiel

by Tickette



Series: Forgive me Father for I am Sin [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Bottom Castiel (Supernatural), Confessions, Extremely Dubious Consent, Guilt, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Victim Blaming, Victim Castiel (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 09:07:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18797284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tickette/pseuds/Tickette
Summary: Feeling doomed,  teen Castiel seeks help in a confessional.





	Forgive me Father for I am Sin - Castiel

**Author's Note:**

> This work is a collection is confessional centred works that range from horrifying to sad to amusing. Thus one is sad in that it focuses on victim blaming and victim guilt. 
> 
> Disclaimer~ I own nothing of Supernatural or MASH.

Castiel

 

Castiel traipsed through the empty church with an air of the doomed.  He didn't want to do this, but he needed help, especially after what happened with Dean the night before.  He walked up to the door of the confessional and took a deep breath. He was relieved to see it was vacant.

 

Once inside he carefully closed the door so as not to make a sound.  Cas sat and took a few more deep breaths to steady himself. He flinched when he heard the other door open and close.  He rubbed his sweaty palms on his slacks. The screened partition opened causing a spike a fear in his gut.  _ You need this.  He can help you. _

 

"Good morning, my child."

 

"Good morning, Father," Castiel replied in a hushed tone.

 

"In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.  Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy.  If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.  Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

 

Castiel made the sign of the cross and his stomach cramped at those words, wincing at the passages.  He squeezed his eyes closed for a moment then let out a shaky breath. He concentrated on not throwing up.

 

“Whenever you are ready, my child.”  Father Mulcahy's voice was low and soothing, so not what Castiel needed.  He liked Father Mulcahy, but needed gruff and condemning. 

 

“Bles--,” Castiel started, his voice cracking, then cleared his throat.   _ I need to do this _ , he thought,  _ it’s getting worse,  _ then started again, “Forgive me, Father for I am sin.”

 

“‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned,’” Father Mulcahy corrected.  

 

“No, I am sin,” Castiel whispered.  He shifted, uncomfortable in the hard seat.  He moved to kneeler, better to show his humility, if he had any, facing the screen between them.  He could barely make out the man sitting in the other compartment of the confessional.

 

“No one is the embodiment of sin other than Satan himself.  Please, my son, continue.” Always so patient.

 

Cas shifted again and looked at his clasped hands.  “It has been one week since my last confession and I have sinned.  I have tempted others to lust after me.” He felt light headed and wanted to run, but he finally said it.   After all these years he finally got it into words.

 

“Castiel, be not afraid,” Father Mulcahy said.  

 

Castiel gasped at his name.   _ How did he know? _  He heard a slight chuckle.

 

“I know all of my congregation, Castiel.  And it's not like you can disguise your distinctive voice.  Now let me explain, temptation is not the same as sin.” The priest paused, flipping pages.  

 

Castiel stared through the screen trying to decipher what he meant.  He flinched when the priest continued. 

 

“Let no one say when he is tempted, ‘I am tempted by God’; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone," Fr. Mulcahy had his sermon voice on, meaning to impart wisdom to his flock. "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death," the priest let out a huff of air.  Castiel could almost feel him smiling. "You see, Castiel, temptation alone is not the same as committing sin; sin is the result of an action. When my mind agrees with the desire, lust in your case, born in my mind, when I cultivate that thought and put that desire into motion, that is committing sin. It’s something I choose to do, and sin cannot be carried out unless I agree to act upon it.”

 

Castiel pondered these words:  _ Temptation is not sin.   _ There was logic behind them.  The passage was clear, but other words raged against him.   _ You do this to me.  Why do you have to be so pretty?  I see you and I can’t stop myself.  You are sin, such a beautiful sin, I cannot stop committing.  You need to pray Castiel, pray long and hard for forgiveness. You can’t help but be who you are.  You are going to hell, Castiel for doing this to me. Why do you cause this, this stirring inside me, this desire to possess you?  You are sinful. _

 

Castiel clutched his head as he sat back on his heels, folding forward.  He had time get him to understand. He raised back up, his hands balled into fists.

 

"Father, I am the sin that causes others to fall.  Just being me is the sin. I am the incubus that leads others to the path of hell."  Castiel pleaded, implored his priest.

 

"Castiel," Fr. Mulcahy' voice was patronizing, "it is not your responsibility how others--"

 

"Yes," Castiel sobbed, "yes, I am.  Being me, looking how I do. Uncle Zach was the first to to fall, the first say it was my fault.  Had I only left, had I been more persistent in my refusals, I won't have led him to commit adultery."

 

Cas covered his face and wept.  The silence between them hung heavy with accusation.  Cas knew he was doomed. God would never forgive him.

 

"Castiel," Fr. Mulcahy's voice was hesitant, "what do you mean, 'led him to commit adultery'?  Did he betray his wife with another woman?"

 

Cas uncovered his face and stared at the screen.   _ He wants me to say it.  I have to tell him all of it. _  He took a shuddering breath before he spoke, clutching his hands as if in prayer.

 

"Uncle Zach told me how pretty I was.  He touched me in ways I didn't think was appropriate, yet he what said was right.  He told me to stay away, but I couldn't, you know he lives with us now. I must honor my parents' wishes and be polite and treat him as I would them.  He is an authority. He tried, honestly, he did. I could see the effort and he told me, but me being what I am, he could not stop. I tempted him and lead him into sin, my sin.  I am the adulterer. I cause him to have sex with me. Every time. Don't you see?"

 

"You?  That is a sin.  A man shall not lay with a man as he does a woman."

 

"I know!" Castiel was almost relieved he was finally getting it.  "He told me I should not drink or eat in front of him because my mouth is full of lust.  He told me not to wear jeans because I look… he is led to erections. I wanted to be good, but I am evil."

 

"Did you make adavces, tempt him with your body and words?"

 

"Of course!  Unless I was wearing a blanket over my body, he could not help but see me.  I could not not speak with him, it would be rude to not answer his questions.  Just being around him seduced him, fed his temptation, because I was there caused him to commit adultery.  I am in his presence and he is overcome. I am disgusting and sin."

 

"You did nothing but normal interactions between a nephew and and uncle?"

 

"Father, don't you understand?" Castiel's voice broke, "I doesn't matter what I do.  My seduction of him is utterly complete. He can not help himself and neither can Lucifer."

 

"The devil?" There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

 

"No, Father, Lucifer, Luke, my older brother.  He told me the same thing. He said it was my fault for having this body.  He said it the night he fell: 'You were made for this, Cassie. You seduced me, I am helpless against it.' He said basically the same thing Uncle Zach did.  My cousin Anna was also afflicted. She told me it was all my fault. 'I heard you with Luke, you sinful boy. You shouldn't moan so beautifully.' They could not stand against the onslaught of me.  Every night whenever I am around one of them, they are led astray. It is terrible what I am doing to them. I try to run, but I am not fast enough."

 

"Castiel, you are telling me you actively run from them, your uncle and --"

 

"Brother and cousin."

 

Fr. Mulcahy cleared his throat and shifted.  "You actively run and they chase you down to have sex with you?"

 

Castiel sobbed.  The doubt and accusations he heard in his priest's voice was killing him.  It was true, he was not saveable. "It's not enough. They tell me how horrible I am and that I should stay away, but what can I do?  I live in the house with them. I lock my door, yet I have to leave my room. I hide, but they find me. It hurts so much. Luke has even tried beating it out of me, but I can't help what I am."

 

"Castiel, what you are telling me is that you are having sex against your will."

 

"How can it be against my will if I am the one causing it? Yes, I do not like it, it hurts and makes me feel so ashamed because I make them do it.  It also happened with the boy I am tutoring. He is a fellow classmate who needed help with math. I shouldn't have, but I did. I kept my sweater on, I covered myself with my coat, yet the days got warmer.  I kept my distance and he… I thought I was making a friend, doing all the right things. But then last night, after weeks of what I thought was normal behavior, he had to have sex with me. I should have ran, I know I should, but I was trapped inside his room.  Father, I doomed him from the beginning. He said, 'I have been thinking of kissing your lips since we first met.' I told him it was my fault. I let my guard down."

 

Castiel was crying uncontrollably now that he got it all out.  Maybe now he can start on the road to redemption. After a few minutes he jumped at a knock on the door.

 

"Castiel," Fr. Mulcahy's voice was soft and sad.  "Please open the door."

 

Fear shot through Castiel.  He lurched for the door knob and held on fast.  "No Father! You mustn't! I can't have your corruption on my soul, too."

 

"Son, that is not why--"

 

"I have tempted you by being here.  My power is getting stronger. Soon no one will be able to resist." Castiel could barely breathe.   _ What have I done? _

 

"No, Castiel, no!" Fr. Mulcahy's voice was frantic.

 

It was almost too late.  Castiel had to get out before his priest fell into his temptation, got blinded by his sin.  But what was he going to do? He was trapped. His tears fell fast and his vision was starting to darken around the edges, it was hard to breathe _.  I can't have a panic attack here, I will pass out and he can get in. _  He started his breathing exercises he read about on the internet.  After a few moments he startled at a weight being pressed against the door.  He leaned back, staring confused, but not letting go of the door handle.

 

"Castiel," Fr. Mulcahy's voice was soft and resigned, "you have been through what sounds like a very traumatic experience, multiple times, at the hands of people who are supposed to love and care for you.  It has destroyed your sense of security. Have you talked to your parents?"

 

"No!  I keep away from them!" Castiel nearly yelled.  He batted the tears from his face. Surely Father would understand his sacrifice.  " I have distanced myself from them and all that I can so as not to tempt them as well." He heard a shift.  He now figured out that the priest had sat down outside the door. He moved until he was in a similar position.

 

"Your parents are there to help you, protect you from those who would hurt you, even those who are your family.  Surely they have seen something, suspected?"

 

Cas rested his head on his crossed arms he propped up on his knees.  Fr. Mulcahy did not comprehend. "People see what they want to see. They can't protect me if they can't protect themselves."

 

"No one has the power you claim to have.  Everyone has free will. Free will let's us, as children of God, make our own decisions.  It was not you who caused your uncle to stray. It was not you who caused your brother or cousin to commit incest.  It was their choice to act on their own desires."

 

Castiel did not answer.  He let the words fall over him like water.  The priest did not get it. How could he? He was under Castiel's thrall, he would say anything to get to him.

 

"Castiel?"

 

"Yes, Father?"

 

"Castiel, please listen.  You are not responsible for other people's actions.  They are lying to you." There was a pause. Castiel heard heavy breathing, a hitch, and what he thought was a sob.

 

"Why would they lie?" Castiel's voice was small.

 

"People lie to get what they want, to make others believe what they want.  You are so young, sixteen is too young for any intimate relationships, especially ones where you have no control."

 

"Fourteen."

 

"What?"

 

"I was fourteen when Uncle Zach…" Castiel sniffed and sat up a bit.  "Fifteen with Lucifer and Anna. And of course last night with Dean."

 

"Oh son, that is so wrong.  You need to get away from them.  You need--"

 

"And go where?  Where can I go? Here?  I don't think so. I need to go home, they will worry if I am gone long." Castiel rubbed his face, weary of all this, and stood.  He was stiff and sore from sitting in that cramped position for so long. He heard the sounds of the priest doing the same.  _ It's going to happen, just let it happen.  _  Slowly he opened the door resigned to his fate.  Father Mulcahy was standing away from the confessional looking earnest.

 

"See?  I am not attacking you, forcing myself on you." The priest gave a weak smile.

 

Castiel kept his eyes down.  "It's only a matter of time."

 

"No, it isn't."

 

Castiel looked up to see pity in the older man's eyes.  He was crushed, he couldn't be saved. "Thank you Father, for listening.  I wish you could have saved me."

 

He was shocked when he was grabbed.  He wanted to fight but it was his nature.  He had seduced his priest. He was confused after moment when nothing happened.  He felt arms around him, firm yet gentle. Father Mulcahy was hugging him. It had been so long that Castiel had forgotten how it was supposed to feel.  He wept again in the arms of his priest, hugging back.

 

"I can save you, Castiel.  Please, let me save you."


End file.
